Emotions or the lack of….

Being married to a neurotypical person that is very emotional is tough. A day that is going great for both of us, can turn to an argument and wanting to be left alone in minutes. Fun or relaxing plans go out the window and the day or evening is shot.

I was always described as having resting bitch face and being monotone, there is no inflection or emotional understanding. I don’t cry at situations that most others would be, I don’t understand the point. I’m the person at a funeral looking around at others crying and being sad and wondering why? Crying and being sad and letting emotions take over serve no purpose nor change the situation. I understand the concept of fear, sadness, joy, but I don’t physically express them the same way as others. I’ve been called heartless for not showing emotions for different situations. But I can’t, its not that I don’t want to but my brain says “why, what’s the point”?

Have you ever been looked at for the way you react to situations or don’t respond to the socially “norm” situations and been asked if you are a sociopath? I have, more times than I can remember, even by my own wife. I don’t hold it against her because it was before we knew it was Aspergers but it is definitely something that gets you wondering and looking into. But I love animals, more than humans, and could never hurt an animal. The thought of hurting an animal is out of the question for me. I bond with animals better than humans because they don’t judge you and you are their world no matter your mood or how your day went. They don’t have expectations from you other than food, water, and your time and love. So can I be a sociopath or just not emotional towards people? I just don’t like too many people and can’t relate to them on the same level so animals are my go to.

I had a chihuahua, he was my best friend. I would have done anything for him and he was always there for me even when I didn’t know I needed him. He became my emotional support animal (ESA) without me even knowing and was more than a dog, more than a pet. I lost my little man due to unfortunate circumstances and when that happened I was crushed. I couldn’t explain my feelings, I cried and thought why at the same time. Am I dumb for crying over a dog and feeling like I was lost? Is this what others experience when it comes to losing a human? Why does it hurt so much and why can’t I just stop and be logical like I always am? My wife was there for me but it pained her because of the loss and that she couldn’t help or do anything to take my pain away. And I didn’t want to be around anyone or talk to anyone because who would even understand? I miss him, it’s like a part of me that made me feel normal is gone and won’t ever be fixed. I have another ESA, he’s a smaller version of my other chihuahua. I found myself trying to have the same support but it wasn’t there. My little dude Jack is great, in his own way. It took me a long time to stop trying to get the same support and realize he is doing it in his own way. I see so many things that my other dog did in him, it’s like he channels through him to show he’s still here for me. Am I crazy to think this? Am I weird for having such a deep connection for an animal? I don’t know but I am thankful for both of them because they help me when I can’t verbalize my emotions or feelings. I feel better having them by my side and I don’t know what I would do without.

There are a lot of times I tell my wife she would be better off with a neurotypical partner because I can’t understand emotions and if she is crying it just pisses me off. I feel like if she had a partner that could understand and be there in the way she needs, she would be happier. It’s something that makes me feel worthless and like a bad husband but it isn’t on purpose. She still stands by me and is learning to control her emotions, not just for me but for herself. It’s the biggest argument starter in our relationship and we continue to work at it because she refuses to give up and knows it’s not my choice to not understand.

I personally think lack of emotions on the aspies side is one of the hardest things to deal with for others. Communication is hard too but there are ways around that with writing or giving time to focus and be able to explain. But emotions are like a foreign language that you will never pick up or understand but living in that society and being confused all the time. It seems like the number one problem in relationships and I wish there was a simple fix but there isn’t. If more people understood that its nothing personal and being detached because we don’t understand is the reasoning, I think more relationships with aspies would last. It’s not for everyone and my wife knows she can come to me if she can’t handle the mental stress and emotional detachment to look at a future or a separation. But it is work and the right people can do it, I hope we fall in that category but as like everything else in life, there are no guarantees other than death and taxes.