The last couple weeks have been a rough time for me and my wife. Not with each other but with outside circumstances. My little brother is in a spot that he has become homeless, “getting a divorce”, and has a three year old child.
A few weeks back, my little brother was being evicted from his rental. He caused this all to happen, there’s no one to blame but himself. Lack of payment, destruction of property, cops showing up, you name it. We (wife and I) decided to offer to help with our nephew so he would have a stable place to live. The situation between him and his wife has never been a good one and they always fight in front of the child. As time was drawing near for him to be out of the house, his wife starting talking nonsense and blowing up social media with lies about everyone and trying to play a victim. When we were at a family gathering at my older brothers, the little one decided he was going to turn his anger and frustration at me instead of his wife. He punched me in the eye, spit in my face and punched me in my spine. I have never fought him and always walk away. It created a whole mess of issues with family that day.
The day before he did this to me, we had watched his son. My wife bought him clothes, learning toys, food….he is always dropped off with nothing and we are expected to make it work. He had a blast at the house and got all the good attention a child deserves.
Now on the day that he hit me, he screamed at my mom in her face, tried to start issues with my older brother, just made a fool of himself and left saying he doesn’t need any of us and we are dead to him.
A week later, my phone is blowing up from my little brother, I refused to answer because he wanted someone to watch his kid. I was sticking to my ground of being done helping him after what he did. My mom decided to get my nephew and then put me in a spot of saying yes to watching him overnight or no and I am the asshole. So we said yes and my nephew spent the night. He had another great day the next day with my wife, went to the store, had clean clothes on, ate real food instead of chips for breakfast, and was doing his learning activities. Eventually that day he had to go back to his house and the emotional rollercoaster began. He cried and wanted to stay with us, he wouldn’t let go of my wife, he screamed that he didn’t wanna go there he wanted to stay with us. I am not an emotional person whatsoever, but seeing his reactions and my wife’s, I couldn’t help but be sad for him and her. We again offered to take care of him until they could figure out their own life and living situation. But his wife uses their child as a pawn between them to get what she wants and it didn’t happen.
Another week goes by, my mom is watching my nephew again. She again puts me in a spot of watching my nephew. This time I say no and tell her it’s too much on him, my wife and even me. Previously she had said if I said no it was no big deal and she understands. This time, I am looked at as the asshole and she is mad at me for saying no. Now I am the bad guy in her eyes because I am not helping with my nephew over my anger with my brother.
My older brother and I helped my dad clean the house out that he had destroyed. My little brother knew he had to get his remaining items before a certain day and time but refused to get it because he is mad at all of us. So we finished cleaning and threw away the remainder of his items minus a few things like work clothes, his kids favorite blanket and his clippers. The items saved were then taken to my moms house for her to give him. This began a whole new level of my mom being mad at me and my older brother. He got my mom to play into him being a victim and how could we do that to him. Mind you, he had two months notice and didn’t start doing anything until two days before deadline. Now my mom is playing into his every need and not talking to me or my older brother because we didn’t let him play us. We are both sticking to what we said and not talking to him and letting my mom do whatever for him even tho he blows up on her, threatens her, and uses her.
With all of this going on, I have come to question again if I could even be a parent or if it would be too much. I could handle being there and helping when we watched my nephew overnight. But I still needed to get my things completed and that was even if my wife wanted help with him. The dedication it would take to have him full time for however long might be more than I can give. My wife has so many things going on and having to take care of that she needs help and adding a kid to the mix with no guarantee that I can give the help she would need, makes me worry that it would cause too much of a problem and then is my nephew in any better of a place? I feel bad that he has to be where he is but they refuse help and we are wiling to risk our relationship to help. Maybe this is a way of saying we are perfectly fine without having a child and there is a reason we haven’t had our own. I grew up with my family asking when I will have a child because I would be a great dad, but in the end, I don’t even think I could or would be with my own daily struggles. I am just afraid they will judge me for not having a kid and don’t really see that it is a better option to not have one. Why is having a kid so important? Do people think having a kid is the only way to say you have a family? But I am also starting to realize that it shouldn’t matter to me if we don’t have kids and let their view result in something that makes life worse for my wife and I.
AM I A BAD PERSON FOR NOT WANTING A CHILD? DOES THAT MAKE ME SELFISH?