Ramblings

Sometimes I really hate my brain and wish I was a neurotypical person. I feel like life would be easier and I would fit in more. Being socially awkward and an introvert makes it hard to make friends. The friends I have I hardly see because I am the type that wants to get together but when it happens I’m ready to go home after a few mins. But at the same time I am home and sometimes wish I was out doing something. It’s a never ending cycle. I have almost become a recluse it seems. I rather chat with people online then go out and actually talk to people in person. I’m not good at ending conversations in person, I can just walk away like okay bye.

I feel bad for my wife because she works from home and I don’t really like going out, even to Walmart. She spends her day at home and just wants to get out and I don’t want to go. It has nothing to do with her but I hate feeling like she thinks I don’t want to do anything with her. I think I actually caused her to become agoraphobic when she is naturally a outgoing social person. She doesn’t have the amount of friends she used to and isn’t as much of a social butterfly anymore. I feel like it’s my fault because she stays home to interact with me since I don’t wanna go out. I try to get her to enjoy a day off doing whatever she wants but she ends up staying home only after a quick trip to the store.

I started going to online college a few months ago. I really enjoy it but I worry after it’s all said and done that I won’t use my degree. It is a good program and I can see using it now but I’m always wondering what I want to do in life and can’t nail it down. I’m unemployed for the first time in 13 years and I have no idea how to get back into a job or what kind to look for. I feel useless sitting at home while she works her ass off. I don’t even enjoy doing things on my own because of guilt that she’s stuck working. I can’t do this forever and I already worry about paying bills. I lost a job that I thought was what I was meant to do. But in the end, my Aspergers and mindset cost me my job. It was similar to my job 10 years ago and I loved that job, so I thought I could do this again. I made supervisor in three months of starting and I thought this is what I’m supposed to do. But in the end, my monotone, no kissing ass, speak the truth stubborn brain cost me. I fell apart for a bit after because I had never lost a job and I was in unexplored territory. I blamed others, refused to take any accountability and was angry at all the wrong people. Now it’s been almost five months and I have no clue what to do.

Living life not knowing how to express yourself and showing no emotion is challenging. I spent 30 years being weird and not knowing why. Masking to fit in and never actually happy outside of the moment. I got diagnosed and it explained a lot but even after almost a year and a half, I still don’t even know who the real me is or how to figure it out. The masking part of my life consumed me and being the “real” me is foreign. I can’t even figure out how to be me because I don’t know who that person is. That person might not be anyone that people close to me like or want to be around. For all I know the real me is someone I wont even like being. I could be a person that still doesn’t fit in, that likes things that aren’t acceptable or looked at strange. Change is hard and I fear learning the real me and losing everything I have. Who knows, maybe the masking life is what I am meant to be and do?

Is being able to put yourself in others shoes or having a great imagination something that aspies can’t do? I have a very logical brain and can look at all possible outcomes to a situation, but if you asked me to look at something from someone else’s point of view or imagine something, I draw a complete blank and feel dumb. I am a somewhat good drawer so I feel like I have some imagination but limited. If it’s a situation that I haven’t personally experienced, I have no clue how to relate, feel or imagine.

I really don’t talking people that I’m autistic. The automatic response is “you don’t look autistic” and it pisses me off. They relate it to down syndrome and it’s not the same. And at the same time, then I think people will start thinking I am using it as an excuse. I don’t look for handouts or generosity from it but it is definitely something that helps explaining in certain situations. I typically have to explain it when someone asks what’s wrong and there’s nothing wrong. I’m stoic and don’t give the typical emotional response so people always think I have something going on or I’m upset. After I explain it they tend to go oh, okay and its not an issue anymore. There’s always something on my mind, good or bad, but it never shows. I think that’s part of why I don’t like telling people but then I’m just looked at as rude or an asshole. It’s been my whole life so I am used to it by now. Just another reason I sometimes wish I had a “normal” brain.

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