Physicality

I have never been a person that like kissing intimately. The swapping of spit, tongues trading places. I mean I don’t even like people close to me drinking my drink. I can handle a “normal” kiss, no open mouth, just lip contact kiss. This has caused problems before from my last relationship and was before I was diagnosed.

My ex always wanted a kiss like that and I just couldn’t. It actually led to an argument at one point and her leaving the house. She had a friend that I was always a little off about, he was just too nice in my eyes. So that night she turned her phone off and disappeared. I found out later that she went to his house and he was a shoulder to cry on and a mouth to get the kiss she was yearning for. I was upset but it didn’t end the relationship. I just couldn’t explain why I didn’t like it or want to do it.

Sex is a whole different level of sensory overload. The amount of endorphins being released on top of all the other senses being stimulated, it can be difficult. Some days no matter how much I try to put it out of my mind, my mind wins the thought overload reminding me of just how “stressful” it can be and boom it’s gone. It had led to some issues at home, the wife thinking it’s something she did or that I’m not attracted to her. But in all reality, I can’t handle the thought of the overload.

In public and sometimes at home, I don’t like physical touch. I am not a hand holder or kisser in public. It has nothing to do with being ashamed or a bad experience, I just like to remain focused on all my surroundings and be able to see and react to any situation. There are times at home when I just don’t want to be touched. I am not in a mood or mad, but I like to have my space and just be near but not touching.

I’m not sure all of this has to do with my Aspergers as I learn more everyday, but if it is, it makes so much sense yet not at the same time. These are the times I wish I was “normal” so I could be in the “mood” at anytime. It’s a hard thing to be with a neurotypical person and them think its something they did.

Does anyone else reading this that is on the spectrum or is with someone on the spectrum experience the same thing?

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