One of my biggest problems is being angry but not knowing why. I can be perfectly fine and it’s like my brain remembers something but doesn’t relay it to me and all of a sudden, I’m in a mood.
If there is a time when I know I’m angry and I know the reason, I can’t spit it out as to why I’m angry in the moment. The more someone asks me why I’m upset, it just irritates me more and I can’t explain why so the frustration just builds and I usually have an explosion. I have a tendency at this point to go for the lowest blow I can come up with and know that I will regret it but it it comes out. Anything I really say after reaching this point is not true or how I feel but it happens because I want to be left alone and that’s the only way I know how to get someone to leave me alone after they continue to ask and push.
When I get space and time to figure out my anger, could be a couple hours or even a day, I can then verbalize why I was upset. Sometimes I can’t even figure out why I was angry and all I can say is sorry. It is extremely frustrating to not be able to verbalize your anger in the moment. It has even come to a point of a meltdown because I can’t figure it out and I get mad at myself. My normal day to day, I’m monotone, don’t raise my voice, can talk and hold a conversation with most, but when I’m irritated, I want nothing to do with anyone or anything. Every little thing just sets me off, I can’t do anything right (in my eyes) and I just want to go to a room and be alone and zone off into tv.
Getting to a point where I cry is a miserable feeling. Crying doesn’t make sense to me so why am I doing it? I have reached a point of now doing something I don’t understand when others do and can’t explain or answer to myself.
I’m thankful to say I’m not a person that has let my anger lead to suicidal thoughts or comments during an outburst. In my eyes (my opinion and no offense to others outlook or opinion) it is a selfish act. It doesn’t make sense and solves nothing. I know there is a risk of a meltdown and that comment coming out, but it would never come out when level headed and speaking truth. The unfortunate risk is someone sending you for a 72 hour hold and now you have to explain why but if your like me, you can’t in the moment. I continue to hope my brain keeps that from ever slipping out for any reason, as I never could or would, but I can’t control what comes out during my meltdown or outburst.
One day I hope I can manage my anger in a better way then letting it come to an outburst. I don’t like saying the things I have said during them especially to the ones they have been said to. Saying sorry doesn’t feel like enough after something like that. Hopefully the more I learn, the more I accept and the longer I know why now, I can figure out a way to keep an outburst to a minimum or not at all. Here’s to hoping right?